Dear self…

Please. Hold on. You almost there.

There are too much obstacles that you have been through.

Don’t give up now.

Just don’t.

If you need to cry, then cry.

Don’t stop pushing yourself.

You have done so much for the others.

Try to focus.

Little by little.

It is hard for you right now

I knew

Don’t give up, baby girl.

 

Menangis tu biasa, Nad.

Letih, penat tu biasa.

Ujian Allah itu pasti ada hikmahnya

Harus terus kuat Nad.

Hang pun tau tu bukan pilihan.

Kuatkan semangat

Teruskan berdoa.

Allah tu ada.

BagaiKan mimpi

Januari 2019

Jujurnya permulaan 2019 aku tak daklah happy mana. Banyak mengundang ketidakstabilan emosi yang hampir merasuk akal fikiran. boleh dikatakan masalah datang dari pelbagai penjuru. dimulakan dengan ketidakfahaman dua pihak yg menganggu aku secara tak langsung, orang sekeliling tak sihat yang menuntut kekuatan emosi dan kudrat yang lebih. disnilah bermulanya kejatuhan dan kekuatan seorang seketui Nadiah. belum ditambah masalah duit. beban kerja usah dicampur kerna aku masih mampu menggalas. sejujurnya ia tidak mengganggu aku pun. hairankan. bagaimana seorang PhD student menjadi RA pada projek sendiri tak merasakan beban kerja sebagai beban. jujurnya aku enjoy student life aku. enough with that.

rutin aku berjalan macam biasa. paginya aku timur laut. after lunch aku di CDR. Malam aku hanya di bilik. macam yang aku cakap ujian datang menerpa bila kak sakit, ayah sakit. malam aku tidur tak lena. emosi aku terganggu bila 'mereka' jua seperti tidak menjaga hati aku. emosi aku 'koyak'. sehinggakan ada waktunya aku deny orang sekeliling aku. di ajak keluar, aku terperap dalam bilik. di ajak makan aku menolak. berat aku menyusut ke 55 kg. smpai charles tanya " aku really dying?" haha.

Allah itu Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang. Aku kuat kerana rahmatNYA, kerna kasihNYA. kerna PenyayangNYA. aku dihantar insan insan yang mencerikan dunia dan hariku tanpa mereka sedar aku memerlukannya. tanpa perlu aku ceritakan semua.

3 minggu aku berlalu dengan kedukaan, kemuraman, dan sedikir keceriaan. aku bersyukur kerana masih 'hidup'. bila ada yang bertanya "macam mana tahun baru hg?" aku hanya menjawab "free trial lagi. februari baru start 2019".

sekarang, seminggu sebelum habis 'free trial' aku. bagaikan mimpi aku happy gila minggu ni. Alhamdulillah target responden berjaya dicapai. kawan pjj ada kt usm. rasa macam. yeah im back. the real nadiah is back. nadiah yang rajin mengusik, yg gelak like crazy, yg tak peduli sekeliling. could be said aku bahagia. terima kasih pada Allah. tak dibiar aku terus hanyut dengan ketidakstabilan emosi. air mata yang 3 minggu ini basah dipipi seakan kering. jerawat stress seakan menghilang. bagaikan mimpi. jika ini mimpi, aku ak ingin berjaga darinya. izinkan aku terus mengecap bahagia. kerna aku telah lama berduka. izinkan aku bermimpi kerna itu jua membuat aku happy

Asian Criminological Society 2018

Asian Criminological Society 2018 

Yay dah daftar

Muka Tension Masa Nak Bertolak P G Hotel

wif My 2nd SV

Jumpa Prabu. Classmate waktu Masters

Opening Ceremony 

Tak Lalu Makan da Time Ni

Muka da Cuak

Dr. bawak jalan2 Gurney sementara nak tunggu dinner

Second day, Hari Presentation

Last day, tggu Charles presentation

Presenters from CDR, USM

Geran

Geran. Yap nak dapat geran untuk pengajian mmg susah... Baru aku tau tahap kesusahan dan cabaran yang perlu aku hadap. Namun, aku bersyukur disebalik kesusahan dan kepayahan yang aku hadapi, Allah menghantar insan-insan mulia untuk membantu ku. thanks semua orang atas kerjasama dan semangat.

xdak mood nak menulis sebnaqnya tapi dalam masa yang sama aku tak mau miss moment2 ni

27.03.2018

semalam aku terlupa yang kawan Lan nak mai. So, i talk like nothing happen. Being crazy. suddenly terdgr "Emmmm can you help me miss?"

n i was like "hang sapa?" tapi mata aku cuma terarah kat Lan. Nak tanya sapa dia, dalam masa yang sama nak geram pasai, kenapa x bagi signal dia ada kat sini. so that, we greet each other.

while, in the car, nak p process mybrain, aku ditinggalkan dgn dia. what?! awkward man..... he was like 36 something. nothing going with his age la. suddenly, nk tmbah awkward tu, lan siap ckp "Ken, kau terhutang budi dengan Nad. kau kena blanja dia" weii aku tak buat semua tu utk balasan lah dowh. dah la kawan tu beli sarapan pagi td. haish Lan ni.

something bad happened. tiba-tiba kak aku x sehat. i will not talk bout that. so, bila Ken tgk aku hampir stress, so he ask me to talk to him (ken nk amik phd dlm depression), i was thought why not, chit chatting with somebody like him. at least i got seken opinion.

suara dia. cara dia cakap, how he deliver what he going to says. everything was so smooth n half of it, aku agreed la. yg aku ni sensitive. dia ckp "sbb tu kalau nak nasihat Nad, x boleh ckp mcm diorang kt dlm tu. kena ckp slow2. lembut2." dlm hati aku 'i hate you bro. hang jumpa lemah aku.'

bagai ada satu semangat baru utk aku. thanks ken. hope u doing great at Kubang Kerian

Phase of PhD Journey

Currently, I'm at semester 2 doing my PhD. So, today (02.03.2018) we are fill in our mybrain 15 with hoped all of us get the bisiswa from KPT. Done with that. Everyone seems busy doing their proposal, editing and finalizing everything. Some of us still in developing proposal 'mood'. Actually all of us got one proposal but to applied something we keep changing till we said "that it. puas hati. let klik submit button" and off course approved by our supervisor. Me myself, attending a lots of meeting defending and arguing on what im doing and what im suppose to do. Sometime, I lose my hope, spirit, i just feel gave up. changing hundred times of proposal it not cool bro. Yeah, it improving but still alots of work need to be done, control, and manage. I keep telling myself "this is what i will become. it just kind of learning process. this is what I love to do".

But, seeing and watching my friend feels same things what i going thru, its not easy man. Changing proposal. changing a lot of things. going thru a lots of meeting. read and read. typing. lose appetite. less sleep. turun field work till we lost our 'happy' time. when one of us said "im going to give up". It hurts. dia rasa mcm diri bodoh, x ckup pandai, letih and all that, apa yg sv nak, x ckup lagi ka, why keep changing, apa yang kau nak buat dgn hidup kau, ini ka pengakhiran hidup kau, bila nak end up graduate. Yes, we always heard " this is not the end of the world. we keep trying. dunia tetap berputar." the issue is when we lost our motivation or stress or depressed, we kept thinking that we want to put full stop to all nonsense that happened. But is but, our own heart keep telling us "we gonna go thru this till end. kalau kau tak buat ini kau nak buat apa? what is your plan B. keep going u almost there".

aku pun kadang terfikir, ayat2 ni aku sedapkan hati aku sendiri, atau aku tengah bohong diri aku sendiri? aku bersyukur atas kurniaan rezeki Allah kat aku. aku dikeliling kawan2 yg gila2, yang nerd, ulat buku, so i can said or claimed that my work and social life is equal. Every time i feel alone, stress with my work, i end up lepaking with my gila2 friends. so x dk nk ckp pasal kerja. semua kami merapu, merepek,. or else aku bersujud pada yang ESA. menangis mengadu hal dunia yang tunggu mati baru ketemu penghujung. kita senang cakap tp susah nak buat. everyone has their own way to stress out things.

so todays, most of us, feel unlucky, give up, down n stress. ada yang sampai tak sehat. but i still hope no one among us amik borang behenti study... it a big step la. (crying). sedih tgk Charles n diri sendiri.

Meeting 19.02.2018

19.02.2018 It was my Etika Kemanusiaan Meeting. I admit that my presentation was terribly done. What a shame! Dr sendiri said that my presentation on JC Meeting (16.02.2018) was the great presentation rather that in Etika Meeting.. WHY? He asked which I never prepared answer for that question. after done with meeting, everyone asked what happen? i know Azlan n Eshal tau sikit2 coz depa lalu depan bilik meeting and dgr. i dont mind either. aku heartless ka aku pun tatau. yang pasti aku rasa numb n aku bear in mind yg ini learning process aku. So that i could relax. Lan said if he were in my place, maybe dia dah give up. kak said she want to cry. tp ntah kenapa aku x rasa apa2 sgt. mungkin aku letih. SGT2!

Today,(20.02.2018), Dr kalut ke sana sini and memang dia pesan suh aku baca jurnal n duduk opis diam-diam. hahahahah. apa yang jadi petang ni Dr masuk opis kami n cerita little bit apa jadi dlm meeting semalam. he did said " she was so strong defending her proposal but then she also admit byk kelemahan lagi. we will get thru this together. i promise"
lega la jugak.