27.03.2018

semalam aku terlupa yang kawan Lan nak mai. So, i talk like nothing happen. Being crazy. suddenly terdgr "Emmmm can you help me miss?"

n i was like "hang sapa?" tapi mata aku cuma terarah kat Lan. Nak tanya sapa dia, dalam masa yang sama nak geram pasai, kenapa x bagi signal dia ada kat sini. so that, we greet each other.

while, in the car, nak p process mybrain, aku ditinggalkan dgn dia. what?! awkward man..... he was like 36 something. nothing going with his age la. suddenly, nk tmbah awkward tu, lan siap ckp "Ken, kau terhutang budi dengan Nad. kau kena blanja dia" weii aku tak buat semua tu utk balasan lah dowh. dah la kawan tu beli sarapan pagi td. haish Lan ni.

something bad happened. tiba-tiba kak aku x sehat. i will not talk bout that. so, bila Ken tgk aku hampir stress, so he ask me to talk to him (ken nk amik phd dlm depression), i was thought why not, chit chatting with somebody like him. at least i got seken opinion.

suara dia. cara dia cakap, how he deliver what he going to says. everything was so smooth n half of it, aku agreed la. yg aku ni sensitive. dia ckp "sbb tu kalau nak nasihat Nad, x boleh ckp mcm diorang kt dlm tu. kena ckp slow2. lembut2." dlm hati aku 'i hate you bro. hang jumpa lemah aku.'

bagai ada satu semangat baru utk aku. thanks ken. hope u doing great at Kubang Kerian

Phase of PhD Journey

Currently, I'm at semester 2 doing my PhD. So, today (02.03.2018) we are fill in our mybrain 15 with hoped all of us get the bisiswa from KPT. Done with that. Everyone seems busy doing their proposal, editing and finalizing everything. Some of us still in developing proposal 'mood'. Actually all of us got one proposal but to applied something we keep changing till we said "that it. puas hati. let klik submit button" and off course approved by our supervisor. Me myself, attending a lots of meeting defending and arguing on what im doing and what im suppose to do. Sometime, I lose my hope, spirit, i just feel gave up. changing hundred times of proposal it not cool bro. Yeah, it improving but still alots of work need to be done, control, and manage. I keep telling myself "this is what i will become. it just kind of learning process. this is what I love to do".

But, seeing and watching my friend feels same things what i going thru, its not easy man. Changing proposal. changing a lot of things. going thru a lots of meeting. read and read. typing. lose appetite. less sleep. turun field work till we lost our 'happy' time. when one of us said "im going to give up". It hurts. dia rasa mcm diri bodoh, x ckup pandai, letih and all that, apa yg sv nak, x ckup lagi ka, why keep changing, apa yang kau nak buat dgn hidup kau, ini ka pengakhiran hidup kau, bila nak end up graduate. Yes, we always heard " this is not the end of the world. we keep trying. dunia tetap berputar." the issue is when we lost our motivation or stress or depressed, we kept thinking that we want to put full stop to all nonsense that happened. But is but, our own heart keep telling us "we gonna go thru this till end. kalau kau tak buat ini kau nak buat apa? what is your plan B. keep going u almost there".

aku pun kadang terfikir, ayat2 ni aku sedapkan hati aku sendiri, atau aku tengah bohong diri aku sendiri? aku bersyukur atas kurniaan rezeki Allah kat aku. aku dikeliling kawan2 yg gila2, yang nerd, ulat buku, so i can said or claimed that my work and social life is equal. Every time i feel alone, stress with my work, i end up lepaking with my gila2 friends. so x dk nk ckp pasal kerja. semua kami merapu, merepek,. or else aku bersujud pada yang ESA. menangis mengadu hal dunia yang tunggu mati baru ketemu penghujung. kita senang cakap tp susah nak buat. everyone has their own way to stress out things.

so todays, most of us, feel unlucky, give up, down n stress. ada yang sampai tak sehat. but i still hope no one among us amik borang behenti study... it a big step la. (crying). sedih tgk Charles n diri sendiri.