Phase of PhD Journey

Currently, I'm at semester 2 doing my PhD. So, today (02.03.2018) we are fill in our mybrain 15 with hoped all of us get the bisiswa from KPT. Done with that. Everyone seems busy doing their proposal, editing and finalizing everything. Some of us still in developing proposal 'mood'. Actually all of us got one proposal but to applied something we keep changing till we said "that it. puas hati. let klik submit button" and off course approved by our supervisor. Me myself, attending a lots of meeting defending and arguing on what im doing and what im suppose to do. Sometime, I lose my hope, spirit, i just feel gave up. changing hundred times of proposal it not cool bro. Yeah, it improving but still alots of work need to be done, control, and manage. I keep telling myself "this is what i will become. it just kind of learning process. this is what I love to do".

But, seeing and watching my friend feels same things what i going thru, its not easy man. Changing proposal. changing a lot of things. going thru a lots of meeting. read and read. typing. lose appetite. less sleep. turun field work till we lost our 'happy' time. when one of us said "im going to give up". It hurts. dia rasa mcm diri bodoh, x ckup pandai, letih and all that, apa yg sv nak, x ckup lagi ka, why keep changing, apa yang kau nak buat dgn hidup kau, ini ka pengakhiran hidup kau, bila nak end up graduate. Yes, we always heard " this is not the end of the world. we keep trying. dunia tetap berputar." the issue is when we lost our motivation or stress or depressed, we kept thinking that we want to put full stop to all nonsense that happened. But is but, our own heart keep telling us "we gonna go thru this till end. kalau kau tak buat ini kau nak buat apa? what is your plan B. keep going u almost there".

aku pun kadang terfikir, ayat2 ni aku sedapkan hati aku sendiri, atau aku tengah bohong diri aku sendiri? aku bersyukur atas kurniaan rezeki Allah kat aku. aku dikeliling kawan2 yg gila2, yang nerd, ulat buku, so i can said or claimed that my work and social life is equal. Every time i feel alone, stress with my work, i end up lepaking with my gila2 friends. so x dk nk ckp pasal kerja. semua kami merapu, merepek,. or else aku bersujud pada yang ESA. menangis mengadu hal dunia yang tunggu mati baru ketemu penghujung. kita senang cakap tp susah nak buat. everyone has their own way to stress out things.

so todays, most of us, feel unlucky, give up, down n stress. ada yang sampai tak sehat. but i still hope no one among us amik borang behenti study... it a big step la. (crying). sedih tgk Charles n diri sendiri.